Aug 30 – And so, here it is. One day to the year of Karin’s
passing and I have come far, both distance-wise and emotionally. It was
momentous enough to shoot an anniversary
video outside the Piccadilly, where it all ended.
Looking for more closure, I decided to go live and let
everyone know how far I’ve come in my recovery and my goals.
I started Karin’s book one year ago, about two weeks before
It is almost one year to the day it becomes a physical,
printed publication. So far it has reached around 10 to 15 family and relatives
and has been vied by new fans and friends who would like to help in publishing
the book beyond current
As I explained in my previous book, Karin-Marie was a cool
breeze of positivity, patience, love and healing. In a world of negativity and
anger, she was not only my shining light, but a healer of hearts to countless
others. The woman spent her last days of
life, reaching out to her ACA sponsee, Gracie Rae on multiple Marco
How do I forget that? How do I let those beautiful acts of sheer humanity, flutter away into the winds of time? I don’t. I follow her lead and spread positivity, healing recovery like she did. I won’t waste the time God has given me to ignore her wisdom and goodness she taught me for over sixteen years.
One thing theologians, quantum theorists, physicists,
psychiatrists, etc. all agree on is WE ARE ALL ENERGY! Karin-Marie had lots of
energy and I can still feel her energy directing me, guiding me to the next
levels of my life, keeping me alive somehow in this insane world of negativity
Karin’s energy that flows through me, I call my “Spirit Guide”. My spirit guide has directed me back to this toxic city to face my fears, my nightmares and regrets as I pass by The Piccadilly twice a day, every day, glancing at it to maybe see her standing there, in front with our dogs.
But of course, they are not. By now, you’d think I’d know,
but I keep glancing, nearly every day.
Well, its been a rough year, but as you all can see from the work samples, I didn’t let it slow me down…not even foot surgery to remove a tumor. The results are not in yet, but my faith in God tells me it will be benign and totally fine.
Fortunately, my profession allows me to develop games, animate my web series and bring in money using Karin’s Lenovo. And now, thanks to Karin’s Android (I bought for her birthday in 2017), I can now develop my Neptune 9 characters for gaming purposes. As I test market my Neptune 9 web series, I’m finding the same responses…
And so, without further ado, I simply took 2 online video courses for developing Unity 3D to Android and iOS devices. As the video shows: My First Android Game Build
Despite my disabilities, and setbacks, I have continued the dream, As Karin would have me.
I can’t believe I have kept it together this long as I have. Between the tragedy of last year and my current health issues, I find keeping my mind on my work defers my depression.
Luckily I have the generic Percotets that I eat like candy. I noticed that if I mix them with Tramadol and THC vapes, my dreams get hyper-insane. I’ seem to go back to my child hood stomping grounds, searching for God knows what.
From what I’m told, most of my hometown is under water and most of my childhood friends are either dead or discounted to oblivion. I’m not sure I even recognized anyone since I haven’t been back there in 3o years.
I realize this is all drivel written while I watch Schitt’s Creek. Its funny enough to forget the pain, but whimsical enough to keep my mind non-focused. I’m especially glad it can me laughing and giggling uncontrollably.
I will officially open my 56th birthday as the beginning of my new life and my new recovery.
Encouraged by a local online group, I bought myself a Guns and Roses ticket to their first Hawaiian appearance. After the hells of this year, I deserved some much-needed rest and recreation.
I watched in glee, sooth me, playing just for me and my birthday and the reward for surviving a nasty year.
“Relax, CJ.” I could hear Axle Rose saying to me, “This night is for you, bud. You did the best you could. Now enjoy!”
As I watched, I listened to these old songs in college, I realized the gravity of the thirty years that have passed since I saw them last in 1988 with Aerosmith. I find I have come full circle in my life.
The song, “Yesterday”, of course hit home, telling me yesterday is over. Its’s done. Let her go, CJ. She’s not coming back. Let’s move on.
But last night was an encouraging sign seeing middle-aged guys my age still rocking, still going strong even after thirty years of public damage and hardship. Granted, GnR has millions and premium healthcare to put them back together, I still managed to survive despite my self-destructive tendencies and missed opportunities.
Looking back at those thirty years since college, I realize the mistakes and the near-death experiences I‘ve had. But in retrospect, I’ve come further and traveled more than anyone from that mid-sized town in Jefferson City. It is here, I’ve decided my life can and will begin again.
With Karin’s passing, my life has changed, exponentially, of course. It has been sixteen years since I’ve been alone. I’m not searching as of yet and libido is nil. I’m still working through her death and I still fall apart when I think about the horrors of how she died.
So, stop thinking about it.
I do. My mother and my stepfather gave me a lovely signed card saying how glad I am here with them. This makes me feel so good of course after experiencing a “negative” reaction from September to mid-November. My family has become my number one blessing in my recovery. I love them so much.
For it is here, as my family gives me a home to get my medical needs done and let my mind heal from the trauma of that hellish summer. Tomorrow, Monday will be difficult for me as I will be going in for a mole removal. I’m told by one of my general practitioner doctors that it was not cancerous and to stop worrying.
Everyone tells me to stop worrying. I try, but its tough after the rough year I’ve had. But things are turning around and so I am piecing my mental health back together again. I
I will stop here and report back with the results this week.
I do believe, Karin. I do believe I will be fine, because its benign. Amen.
As the first Christmas without Karin approaches, I find myself stronger than 4 months ago. Breathing in the fresh, Hawaiian, ocean air, clearing the contaminants of Los Angeles from my lungs and mind, I follow the voice of my Karin as she directs me to heal myself for the upcoming challenges. She purifies my soul, elevates my spirit. She still watches over me, guiding me to what is right. I thank her daily.
I feel this because I believe, because Karin taught me to believe. I do believe! Thank you, my love, for teaching me this.
December 10th, 2018 Dermatology Day.
Today is the I get this large mole cut out of my groin and biopsied. I will continue being positive and upbeat.
1:15pm – The last few minutes are kind of scary. I’m taking a deep breath and putting my faith in God’s hands.
On their respective thrones sits two (2) spoiled, rotten, entitled, rich kids who got everything they ever wanted since birth. Anyone who has said “no” to them has been either “eliminated”, bribed, paid-off, or “disappeared”.
This is generally known as “Royalty”, whereas leaders are “awarded” leadership roles based on their bloodline. This is what their nation homes have “allowed” causing this potential nuclear night befalling us all. This is what “inheritance” has reciprocated back to the world as…birthright.
This week, the theory of “Royalty” and “Birthright” will be put to the test as these two borderline morons bluff their way into the everlasting…with us along for the ride.
In any case, we are watching two (2) megalomaniacs who have stumbled upon concrete reflections of them selves. Two (2) children are throwing temper tantrums holding biological, nuclear and chemical weapons in their tiny hands and nobody can the nukes out of their hands. Why? “It’s…just because. See? Now do what your ordered and die for your “anointed” leader as you should.
“So this is what happens when an unstoppable force meets an unmovable object.” Said the Joker in The Dark Night. The problem here is both are jokers and they hold the lives of the world in their paranoid hands.
Now as the reality of this mess sinks in, we can check our options like we did in the military, “Bend over, grab your ankles and kiss your ass goodbye.” Surprisingly, in this twenty-first century, there are those who insist to survive a full-blown nuclear catastrophe. I salute their spirit, but their corpses will long purtify during those two to three-hundred years of radioactive wonderland swirling the globe’s “water”, “air” and “land” and I use those terms quite loosely since none of those are guaranteed to be in their original states of existence.
What’s that you say? A “limited nuclear war”? “Surviving a nuclear war”? Hmm. That sounds interesting. Let’s explore that delusion, shall we?
I may be wrong and I hope I am, but let’s say it happens and half the United States (the western part of course) and the entire Korean Peninsula are obliterated into radioactive ASH and it stops there…maybe.
“But I have prepared a 2 mile deep bomb shelter for just this purpose with 20 to 30 years supply of food and water. We got this!”
Good point, however moot, unless you can outlast the endless, lingering fallout in the air, water, land and no animals or vegetation, and reboot a planet void of life or the possibility thereof…also know as FUBAR.
If the deadly radiation dares to cross borders, say…all of them, the planet will, as Wikipedia puts it… “Besides the obvious direct destruction of cities by nuclear blasts, the potential aftermath of a nuclear war could involve firestorms, a nuclear winter, widespread radiation sickness from fallout, and/or the temporary loss of much modern technology due to electromagnetic pulses. Some scientists, such as Alan Robock, have speculated that a thermonuclear war could result in the end of modern civilization on Earth, in part due to a long-lasting nuclear winter. In one model, temperatures following a full thermonuclear war fall for several years by 7 to 8 degrees Celsius on average. ” See, “Likelihood of human extinction.”
According to the The Nuclear Threat Initiative, “The United States will spend at least $179 billion over the nine fiscal years of 2010-2018 on its nuclear arsenal, averaging $20 billion per year, with costs increasing from $16 billion to $25 billion per year over that time frame. ”
That sure is a lot of money to delete the human race, isn’t it? Looks like it may not matter how many times we destroy the world. We’ll long be carbon shadows before the next dozen of missiles hit the same targets over and over again, until, they too are eradicated by the last functioning nuclear launch base or the last base standing, probably one from the diagram on the left.
Imagine! You and your crew of about five or six people, in underground silos, (sealed?) have just launched all your missiles at various targets, killing millions of people around the globe, your missions complete and most of the Continent is ablaze with radiation storms and no communications, since nearly every has been killed within minutes….including their families and homes. What now? The obvious answer is they would eventually starve and dehydrate after a matter of weeks and that would be it.
So they moral of the story is…After spending TRILLIONS on this world-ending shit, we FINALLY get to use it! But don’t despair, because if it does happen, regardless of which idiot rich kid holds the nuke codes…you won’t feel a thing.
Seriously. You would either vaporize instantly from the intense 3000 degree plus of incineration OR your would become a carbon shadow on the one, like the one shown here on the left from Hiroshima.
OR you’ll experience terminal radiation sickness, the likes of which the world has seen in Hiroshima and Nagasaki such as the example pictured below left.
In any case, there is a silver lining and I keep telling my fiends and they look at me funny when I assure them, that first, we FINALLY get to spend all that Nuke Tech Investment we were forced to buy and most importantly, we don’t have to go to work or pay bills. Think about it. Slaves no more. Its all gone.
Those of you who can meditate close to the point of death or non-existence will understand the feeling of eternal bliss. To some it may hard to let go of all…this mess and war and anger and, etc. To others like me, the sooner the better. To be affiliated with a species who’s only commodities are those of self destruction is quite embarrassing to be sure. Alien beings, somewhere out there, will probably wait out the thousand years after we go “poof” and until the radiation storms are cleared.
Sure the can wait a thousand years. They have Universal Health Coverage. 🙂
Wow! I must say that things are picking up. Freelance work is really taking off and work is non stop. For those who know me, I’ve been uncharacteristically silent on the current political situation in this country. That’s because I’m too focused on 2 things that make my life complete: Family and Work, in that order.
After reaching 50 (an age I’d never dreamed I’d reach), you begin to think about legacy and the memories you will leave behind. When that day comes when they either throw my ashes into the pacific or lower my stiff, embalmed and purifying carcass into the cold ground, I’d like to have given the funeral audience a nice little slide show of digital work. So then, afterwords, when they go get drunk (or whatever), they can kick back and watch some entertaining images and say, “CJ did a good job. Maybe I’ll buy a few of his DVD’s for his folks.”
And so they family element is the final reason for the legacy. As the political situation grown more turbulent and more unstable, financial and future considerations are taken more seriously.
“Where do we want to be in 10 years?” – HAVE A PLAN!
This is what I asked my wife, Karin. We have different answers, however resulting in the same answer: Healthcare. As our bodies turn to shit, Healthcare becomes an incredibly vital issue. Knowing that the GOP will unravel our entire healthcare system sometime in the future, we have know choice then to save up and move to a country that actually cares about it’s citizens and not just uses them as their own personal ATMs.
Of course that does not include the upcoming global financial meltdown sure occur as Wall Street regulations are scaled back to repeat the same catastrophe we barely lived through during the Bush Recession of 2008.
“But we must consider the votes and values of the sparse and scattered, illiterate and sometimes inbred folks of the boonies who essentially just sit around hating OTWs (other than white).” Nurtured on a daily diet of lies, misinformation, manipulation and brutal mind-fucking, this small sample of America has been systematically “uneducated” for years, using religion, fear and an integrated xenophobia to guarantee an expected an overwhelming GOP victory in nearly every election.
How do I know? I grew up with them in the Midwest. I went to medium city High School of Missouri and witness many country boys (and some girls) deliberately drop out of schools to become farmers. And they went on to become great farmers and horrible business people. As the cut-throat business of agriculture became another corporate strong-hold, their simple uneducated minds could not handle the onslaught and so created a new “welfare recipient”, the farmer class.
When the founding fathers created the Electoral College, that tricky little mechanism to over-ride the distrustful people, they did not account for Fox News feeding the honest rural folks a daily diet of lies, misinformation, propaganda and brutal mind-fucking. Based on these facts, there are many people who would like to abolish the Electoral College and put the power into the hands of the American People. But that won’t happen anytime and the millions of educated people in the cites will bow down to the drunken, hateful and sometimes methed-out ‘values” of rural folks and be satisfied with their “illusion of democracy” as my non-genetic father, George Carlin taught me.
Most of you who know me have noticed I haven’t said much about the current situation.
Unless you are following the show’s Facebook Page, I really haven’t said much about the current political situation plaguing the country. For what it’s worth, the only change that will come is in the form of what I call, “Time Machine Laws”. These are the laws that keep a small minority of rich, old white males in power, similar to the apartheid laws in South Africa before they evolved. It appears we have been pushed into a time machine, where black folks sat on the bus, old folks had no retirement and children went hungry every day of the year and nobody cared or had the power to stop it.
Indeed, we can sum up the 2016 election as just another installation like in 2000. The people’s voices were ignored and the devastating results eight years later were global economic collapse with a double dose of endless war and DEBT!
But of course we already know what will happen since we will get more of the same only worse. What’s that saying nobody pays attention to? Oh yes…”Those who fail to remember history are doomed to repeat it.” Frankly, I don’t have time. Seriously. I blew a lot of time and energy seventeen years ago telling people that when an idiot rich kids sits in the whitehouse, he will destroy the country as he and his family business(es) pockets billions from our treasury.