Well here it is this horrible first in a series of one year anniversaries that signaled the beginning of the end of my soulmate, Lovely Karin-Marie. Despite going to therapy, support groups
Karin-Marie was diagnosed this week 1 year ago, beginning a battle that was lost from this moment on. This depressing anniversary marks the beginning of a horrible summer of hospital and hospice visits. This firs year of sad anniversaries is the worst of my life. At this time, I just want to join my soulmate in everlasting peace, away from this crumbling world. Rest In Peace, my love. Hopefully, I’ll be with you very you soon.
Perhaps our closest friends, who were there for us from the beginning to the end were Ian Harbilas and his lovely wife, Robin. Coincidentally, they paid us a visit upon seeing the The Afghan Whigs only 2 or three days before. Another coincidence, Dave Rosser, their, guitarist died only the year before. I didn’t mention it while they were there, but it crossed my mind. Here is the last picture of Karin-Marie before the onslaught. Thank you Ian and Robin and your whole family for being such great friends. Bless you all!!
It’s a beautiful day here in Honolulu with only 3.5 days left to go until I fly back to Los Angeles to face my fears and “get on with my life” as Karin’s sister Anne told me. It is calm, warm and quiet here at the apartment that gave me ominous haven after Karin died.
I tried off and on rendering a complex Octane project, but things are heavy on my mind, again, despite the fact we all knew it would happen. I’ve been working full time most of the month and feeling exhausted, so I worked only a little bit on webisode 6 of Neptune 9. The Uber driver told me driving me back home from my tutoring session to take it easy. It’s Sunday.
“Home” I just called it. Amazing how that works.
“LA is your home, CJ.” my mother told me as I hugged her for perhaps the last time.
Just hugged my mom last night, both of us in tears knowing this is the last time I may see her alive. The reality is sinking in as we both made amends, guaranteeing we will part friends, as I worked so hard for all these miserable months. Thank you Gracie Rae for your guidance and love. Thank you all at, ACA/OA Next Stage Recovery for being there for me. You have brought my family and I peace and serenity by learning patience and understanding for the alcoholic parents in our lives. The steps work and the program works if you work it! Bless you all! Below, my mother and stepfather, Chris. Mom had no choice but to call me, CJ. LOL
In all of this, I have learned this is, as yet of another chapter turning in my already changing life. It’s time to start again and finish what I started in LA with Karin. I must go on.
But after six months of healing, grieving and learning, it is time to go back to the only place I have ever called home…Los Angeles California.
I have at least one job waiting for me plus 2 more freelance jobs, so confidence is high.
As I and probably everyone has learned, to keep from grieving endlessly is to keep busy and not think about the pain.
“Pressure Creates Diamonds” – George S. Patton
11/4/18 – Notes from Production Hell: CJ Davidson’s Neptune 9: Season 1 – Webisode 1
Behind every story is an even bigger story, at least that’s what I’ve seen. This is especially true for this story. It looks like I finally made the Halloween deadline for the Neptune 9 debut.
Since my domestic partner Karin has died of brain cancer in August, it’s been an uphill battle, but somehow I got this far. I’m guessing she has helped me get to this point. I am currently undergoing dermatology tests for a melanoma removal, so the future has become uncertain. I put off my own health concerns earlier this year as I cared for my lady in her final days. 11 months later it is time to face the music and of course, I’m scared of what they will find. On one hand, I keep the faith and put everything into God’s hands as Karin would have me do.
This project has truly defined who I am and where I have been…and of course, where I am going. I’ve come full circle to tell a tale that encompasses a non-forgiving and cruel city. It is here I found my strength and resolve. It has brought out the best in me, the worst and the humanity within my soul.
I have also completed a memorial slideshow featuring family and friends. It includes Karin’s last videos, voice mails and photos from her Samsung phone. I hope these memories last as long as possible and that they find their way into the hearts of those who loved her, like me.
Despite the fact I had an interview for a good-paying Digital Marketing Assistant position in Los Angeles, I decided to stay in Hawaii.
The deciding factor of course, was seeing my mother using a walker after a week’s consumption of vodka. Before she didn’t have to use one and it hit me hard. She finally (paused) drinking after realizing she could no longer walk.
Add that to the fact I was going to gamble and go for it without any means of support, food or housing told me there was no gong back. It was tough to survive the streets in my thirties and I know damn well I could not survive in the shape I was now in. The streets of LA are hard and cold this time of winter.
I had unfinished business in Los Angeles and it would just have to wait.
Precious friends like Lorena, Darren and Ian convinced me I was making the right decision. I had to get my health back so I could help my mother in her final years. I was in a rush to leave this sinking ship, not realizing that I may have the power to keep it afloat for just a little while longer.
I came here for this exact reason and I will try to see it through. (left, my mother and I back in 2006 in front of the Hustler Casino. Back in the days of flowing money, love and good times.)
I now understand Mom’s anger was fueled not only by pure vodka, but by the idea she would never see me again. After losing my brother to anger, I now know I should remain with her for just a little while longer. I guess this is where I belong for the time being. Isn’t strange how these things happen for a reason?
A lady in my Al Anon group called me an “Al Anon Ninja” for my patience, and handling of my raging mother. I take pride in that knowing AA, experience and Karin taught me these redeeming traits. Clearly they have salvaged my relationship with my mother, my stepfather and possibly my brother, if we ever meet again.
Whoa, CJ. One miracle at a time.
It was now time for me to get what I had put off for over twenty years…a knee replacement. I would either be blessed with a new and improved knee or I would be confined to a wheelchair for the remainder of my life.
But I have been instructed by my counselors that I need to think positive, which I am slowly learning to do, as Karin had taught me, finally. Besides, the methodology and medical procedures are much more advanced and prone to higher levels of success…I pray.
Well, its been a rough year, but as you all can see from the work samples, I didn’t let it slow me down…not even foot surgery to remove a tumor. The results are not in yet, but my faith in God tells me it will be benign and totally fine.
Fortunately, my profession allows me to develop games, animate my web series and bring in money using Karin’s Lenovo. And now, thanks to Karin’s Android (I bought for her birthday in 2017), I can now develop my Neptune 9 characters for gaming purposes. As I test market my Neptune 9 web series, I’m finding the same responses…
And so, without further ado, I simply took 2 online video courses for developing Unity 3D to Android and iOS devices. As the video shows: My First Android Game Build
Despite my disabilities, and setbacks, I have continued the dream, As Karin would have me.
I can’t believe I have kept it together this long as I have. Between the tragedy of last year and my current health issues, I find keeping my mind on my work defers my depression.
Luckily I have the generic Percotets that I eat like candy. I noticed that if I mix them with Tramadol and THC vapes, my dreams get hyper-insane. I’ seem to go back to my child hood stomping grounds, searching for God knows what.
From what I’m told, most of my hometown is under water and most of my childhood friends are either dead or discounted to oblivion. I’m not sure I even recognized anyone since I haven’t been back there in 3o years.
I realize this is all drivel written while I watch Schitt’s Creek. Its funny enough to forget the pain, but whimsical enough to keep my mind non-focused. I’m especially glad it can me laughing and giggling uncontrollably.
To those that don’t live in California, and did not see the news reports about the Woolsey fire that started late in the afternoon of Nov. 8th, and quickly started spreading Nov. 9th. The Woolsey 2018 fire burned more than 95,000 acres, destroyed Hundreds of homes; and displaced Thousands of people! Above are several photos of the massive magnitude of destruction and devastation to the area!! The last photo is of one of the many Hundreds of homes that were lost in the fire!
I will officially open my 56th birthday as the beginning of my new life and my new recovery.
Encouraged by a local online group, I bought myself a Guns and Roses ticket to their first Hawaiian appearance. After the hells of this year, I deserved some much-needed rest and recreation.
I watched in glee, sooth me, playing just for me and my birthday and the reward for surviving a nasty year.
“Relax, CJ.” I could hear Axle Rose saying to me, “This night is for you, bud. You did the best you could. Now enjoy!”
As I watched, I listened to these old songs in college, I realized the gravity of the thirty years that have passed since I saw them last in 1988 with Aerosmith. I find I have come full circle in my life.
The song, “Yesterday”, of course hit home, telling me yesterday is over. Its’s done. Let her go, CJ. She’s not coming back. Let’s move on.
But last night was an encouraging sign seeing middle-aged guys my age still rocking, still going strong even after thirty years of public damage and hardship. Granted, GnR has millions and premium healthcare to put them back together, I still managed to survive despite my self-destructive tendencies and missed opportunities.
Looking back at those thirty years since college, I realize the mistakes and the near-death experiences I‘ve had. But in retrospect, I’ve come further and traveled more than anyone from that mid-sized town in Jefferson City. It is here, I’ve decided my life can and will begin again.
With Karin’s passing, my life has changed, exponentially, of course. It has been sixteen years since I’ve been alone. I’m not searching as of yet and libido is nil. I’m still working through her death and I still fall apart when I think about the horrors of how she died.
So, stop thinking about it.
I do. My mother and my stepfather gave me a lovely signed card saying how glad I am here with them. This makes me feel so good of course after experiencing a “negative” reaction from September to mid-November. My family has become my number one blessing in my recovery. I love them so much.
For it is here, as my family gives me a home to get my medical needs done and let my mind heal from the trauma of that hellish summer. Tomorrow, Monday will be difficult for me as I will be going in for a mole removal. I’m told by one of my general practitioner doctors that it was not cancerous and to stop worrying.
Everyone tells me to stop worrying. I try, but its tough after the rough year I’ve had. But things are turning around and so I am piecing my mental health back together again. I
I will stop here and report back with the results this week.
I do believe, Karin. I do believe I will be fine, because its benign. Amen.
As the first Christmas without Karin approaches, I find myself stronger than 4 months ago. Breathing in the fresh, Hawaiian, ocean air, clearing the contaminants of Los Angeles from my lungs and mind, I follow the voice of my Karin as she directs me to heal myself for the upcoming challenges. She purifies my soul, elevates my spirit. She still watches over me, guiding me to what is right. I thank her daily.
I feel this because I believe, because Karin taught me to believe. I do believe! Thank you, my love, for teaching me this.
December 10th, 2018 Dermatology Day.
Today is the I get this large mole cut out of my groin and biopsied. I will continue being positive and upbeat.
1:15pm – The last few minutes are kind of scary. I’m taking a deep breath and putting my faith in God’s hands.
As you can see on my YouTube channel, things are becoming quite interesting! As we delve deeper into the world of Virtual Reality and 3 Dimensional Design, we can use this medium to create some really cool scenarios. As you can see from the above video, “TOWS Virtual Studio”, we now have a playroom to live out our envisioned web series.
Who is Kitty McVixon?!?!?!?
Kitty McVixon is a composite of all the wild and dangerous women I’ve known in Los Angeles since I arrived here in 1993. And so, after drowning in Russian, spies, domestic spies and the such, it occurs to me to create my own world and mesh it with the current unbridled reality. Without giving too much away, I thought I’d give the world, not only a glimpse into ghoulish Los Angeles existence, but a snapshot of my creative ooze. I could write my ass off, but as, Rush (the band, not the pig) says, “Show, don’t tell.” And so here it is, my magna opus, “CJ Davidson’s Neptune 9”.
Creating virtual reality is intriguing. Since the “subjects” on stage are now “objects”, I can pretty much do whatever I want to them as long as I keep the site somewhere between PG-13 and R. So fair warning, folks…most of this will be geared toward mature audiences. That’s not to say that some kids act more mature than most adults. They do. Sad, but true.
In any case, this web show will pushing the envelope using virtual reality, behind the scenes reality, scripted and unscripted material to grab your mind and not let it go. Our 3D Virtual Reality Segments
Currently, we have just cast Victoria Prosvetova for the role of former KGB Agent, Kitty McVixon. We were looking for a clear, Russian accent with a feisty personality and Vicki was a perfect choice. Vicki is a gymnast, a scholar and an up and coming actress.
I’ve envisioned Kitty as a cross between Aeon Flux and Trinity from the Matrix. If you can imagine, she’ll be involved in some mind-bending, 3D physics and “counter-intelligence” intelligence. Kitty’s physical animations and lip syncing is currently in production.
I’m seeing a slew of new registrations without faces (sounds like a cool metal band). This tells me I’m about to get with an assload of spam. All I an say is don’t be an asshole. Sit back and enjoy the show.
I have nothing going this week (yet), but keep an eye on my Live YouTube Channel. If you guys would like me to do a show, Email me! Vicki is a gymnast, scholar and actress
I’ll probably put in a chat room. Who knows? We definitely wan’t lots of POLITE interaction and debate. Rudeness will not be tolerated. Racism and spamming will be automatically BANNED. This site requires a new way of thinking. If hate is your thing then UNREGISTER night now.
Currently, we are looking for sponsors to add to what we have below
As most of you can tell by now, those of who are cooking with us under the “warm California sun”, now realize, that between 3pm and 7pm as the sun sets in the west, it beats down on our building and our apartment, turning it into an oven.
As record temperatures reach around 100 to 105, the effect of perpetual sun light on our home can be estimated at 110+. It is during those 4 hours of baking does the human body begin to slow down to the point of heat stroke (the process of your brains cooking within your skull as it swells and blocks blood from reaching it’s critical destinations.).
While the La Tuna Fire caused dozens evacuations near Burbank and concerns for our friends who live there, the dark cloud of smoke blocked out the sun on Saturday morning. As the hours of 3pm to 7 pm passed the smoky haze from the brush fire brought us relief from the unforgiving sun.
Its strange though. As sweat pours from my body, I’m motivated to continue working to bail my family out of “The August Dog Days”. I even found the time and energy to write my blog and report to whomever may be reading.
As the heat takes it toll on us and everyone around us, I realize it is tougher to handle as the body ages. Add to the fact that I am recovering from a 2.5 week sinus infection. I’ve deduced the diabetes has “complicated” my immunity from this yearly sickness I endure this time of year. It cost me 2.5 weeks of production.
And of course, our sweet little dog, Rex whose back legs stopped working. We took him to the vet and found nothing wrong with him, but we all suspect that one of his launching to or from the bed, perhaps misaligned one of his spinal discs. He’s not in pain and he can pee okay, but he can’t walk. We are trying various therapies, but we will will keep and love our Rex forever. In any case, the visit cost $800.00, eating up our business money.
We also had a bed bug infestation that we had to prepare for and ditch our Hollywood Bowl and Sunset Strip tickets. That was about $250.00 in entertainment cancellations.
On their respective thrones sits two (2) spoiled, rotten, entitled, rich kids who got everything they ever wanted since birth. Anyone who has said “no” to them has been either “eliminated”, bribed, paid-off, or “disappeared”.
This is generally known as “Royalty”, whereas leaders are “awarded” leadership roles based on their bloodline. This is what their nation homes have “allowed” causing this potential nuclear night befalling us all. This is what “inheritance” has reciprocated back to the world as…birthright.
This week, the theory of “Royalty” and “Birthright” will be put to the test as these two borderline morons bluff their way into the everlasting…with us along for the ride.
In any case, we are watching two (2) megalomaniacs who have stumbled upon concrete reflections of them selves. Two (2) children are throwing temper tantrums holding biological, nuclear and chemical weapons in their tiny hands and nobody can the nukes out of their hands. Why? “It’s…just because. See? Now do what your ordered and die for your “anointed” leader as you should.
“So this is what happens when an unstoppable force meets an unmovable object.” Said the Joker in The Dark Night. The problem here is both are jokers and they hold the lives of the world in their paranoid hands.
Now as the reality of this mess sinks in, we can check our options like we did in the military, “Bend over, grab your ankles and kiss your ass goodbye.” Surprisingly, in this twenty-first century, there are those who insist to survive a full-blown nuclear catastrophe. I salute their spirit, but their corpses will long purtify during those two to three-hundred years of radioactive wonderland swirling the globe’s “water”, “air” and “land” and I use those terms quite loosely since none of those are guaranteed to be in their original states of existence.
What’s that you say? A “limited nuclear war”? “Surviving a nuclear war”? Hmm. That sounds interesting. Let’s explore that delusion, shall we?
I may be wrong and I hope I am, but let’s say it happens and half the United States (the western part of course) and the entire Korean Peninsula are obliterated into radioactive ASH and it stops there…maybe.
“But I have prepared a 2 mile deep bomb shelter for just this purpose with 20 to 30 years supply of food and water. We got this!”
Good point, however moot, unless you can outlast the endless, lingering fallout in the air, water, land and no animals or vegetation, and reboot a planet void of life or the possibility thereof…also know as FUBAR.
If the deadly radiation dares to cross borders, say…all of them, the planet will, as Wikipedia puts it… “Besides the obvious direct destruction of cities by nuclear blasts, the potential aftermath of a nuclear war could involve firestorms, a nuclear winter, widespread radiation sickness from fallout, and/or the temporary loss of much modern technology due to electromagnetic pulses. Some scientists, such as Alan Robock, have speculated that a thermonuclear war could result in the end of modern civilization on Earth, in part due to a long-lasting nuclear winter. In one model, temperatures following a full thermonuclear war fall for several years by 7 to 8 degrees Celsius on average. ” See, “Likelihood of human extinction.”
According to the The Nuclear Threat Initiative, “The United States will spend at least $179 billion over the nine fiscal years of 2010-2018 on its nuclear arsenal, averaging $20 billion per year, with costs increasing from $16 billion to $25 billion per year over that time frame. ”
That sure is a lot of money to delete the human race, isn’t it? Looks like it may not matter how many times we destroy the world. We’ll long be carbon shadows before the next dozen of missiles hit the same targets over and over again, until, they too are eradicated by the last functioning nuclear launch base or the last base standing, probably one from the diagram on the left.
Imagine! You and your crew of about five or six people, in underground silos, (sealed?) have just launched all your missiles at various targets, killing millions of people around the globe, your missions complete and most of the Continent is ablaze with radiation storms and no communications, since nearly every has been killed within minutes….including their families and homes. What now? The obvious answer is they would eventually starve and dehydrate after a matter of weeks and that would be it.
So they moral of the story is…After spending TRILLIONS on this world-ending shit, we FINALLY get to use it! But don’t despair, because if it does happen, regardless of which idiot rich kid holds the nuke codes…you won’t feel a thing.
Seriously. You would either vaporize instantly from the intense 3000 degree plus of incineration OR your would become a carbon shadow on the one, like the one shown here on the left from Hiroshima.
OR you’ll experience terminal radiation sickness, the likes of which the world has seen in Hiroshima and Nagasaki such as the example pictured below left.
In any case, there is a silver lining and I keep telling my fiends and they look at me funny when I assure them, that first, we FINALLY get to spend all that Nuke Tech Investment we were forced to buy and most importantly, we don’t have to go to work or pay bills. Think about it. Slaves no more. Its all gone.
Those of you who can meditate close to the point of death or non-existence will understand the feeling of eternal bliss. To some it may hard to let go of all…this mess and war and anger and, etc. To others like me, the sooner the better. To be affiliated with a species who’s only commodities are those of self destruction is quite embarrassing to be sure. Alien beings, somewhere out there, will probably wait out the thousand years after we go “poof” and until the radiation storms are cleared.
Sure the can wait a thousand years. They have Universal Health Coverage. 🙂