Seared Into My Soul

Somewhere, here & beyond, the background blares, The Offspring’s "Keep ‘em Separated",
"In his never ending spree of death and violence and hate…"

March 1, 2k5
by CJ Davidson

As some of you wonderful people realize I have been missing from some community events that I actually did not wish to miss.

As my birthday of sobriety passed on January 1st, with it comes honesty. I have forced myself throughout most of the year to become a homebody. Domestication can grant generous benefits. Spending time with my partner is a good reason. Classy and I share countless, cherished moments together. Saving money is an excellent one. Certainly moolah was the reason for quitting smoking 5 years ago this January. Come to think of it…I have many things to celebrate! Much to be thankful for, indeed.

Ah, yes! Domestication. Finding "hobbies" can also make domestication much smoother than previously thought. Writing (as you can see) is a good way. I stopped counting my job in graphics as a hobby years ago, yet I keep grinding this shit out at a rapid rate like an ADDICTION.

So that’s what it takes? Voluntary addictions? Of course, I still love my Panzer General 2 & 3 Strategy Games, but Battlefield 1942 has my vote for rip-roarin’ intrusion into multiples of virtual violent depravity.

Interesting, this word, ADDICTION.

As we know we humans acquire many types of addictions. The addictions of sex, love, money, your own bunghole, your neighbor’s spouse, lil’ furry woodland critters... the list goes on and on, etc and so forth as folks discover more and more of those crinkly-type , nasty, unimaginable things to sleep with.

The American Heritage® Dictionary of the English Language, Fourth Edition. Copyright © 2000 by Houghton Mifflin Company Defines Addiction as:

Noun
1. a. Compulsive physiological and psychological need for a habit-forming substance: a drug used in the treatment of heroin addiction. b. An instance of this: a person with multiple chemical addictions. 2. a. The condition of being habitually or compulsively occupied with or involved in something. b. An instance of this: had an addiction for fast cars.

Let’s focus for a moment on, the condition of being habitually or compulsively occupied with or involved in something. Well, let’s suppose for one Hollywood microsecond we substitute the word something for violence ?
In our community (and world for that matter) this is not a shocker. It’s a standard fetish in BDSM. All voluntary, safe and sane. Hopefully.

The American Heritage® Dictionary of the English Language, Fourth Edition. Copyright © 2000 by Houghton Mifflin Company Defines Violence as:

Noun 1. Physical force exerted for the purpose of violating, damaging, or abusing: crimes of violence. 2. The act or an instance of violent action or behavior.

That same dictionary (fooled you, didn’t I?) also defines Virtual as:

Adjective 1. Existing or resulting in essence or effect though not in actual fact, form, or name: the virtual extinction of the buffalo. 2. Existing in the mind, especially as a product of the imagination.

IF we merge them all we have quite a power rush to say the least. Add a little TH of CJ (You may! Here and there behind the ear!) flushing through the major arteries and cuts a sharp left through the immortal psyche can delve miles into forbidden territory.

Does this mean this voluntarily, long-term addiction to Virtual Violence is DANGEROUS? Maybe. Maybe Not. No one really knows yet. Perhaps I’m having "controlled (programmed?) flashbacks"? I could feel the energy and angst build pressure around and inside the bones of my fingers, almost twitching with anticipation to step onto that cyber blood fest.Perhaps the subconscious satiates it's thirst for blood throughout this digital holacaust as sure as Pavlov’s dog drools on its own virtual paws.

Does this mean I’m more prone to go out and ACTUALLY slaughter people by the bushel (or the barrel)??? Absolutely not. A strong and healthy SANE mind RECOGNIZES the FINE LINES between FANTASY and REALITY. Sorta like my lifestyle…hopefully.

But why SHOULD I keep hoping for this? Why not assume all are insane and be ready for anything? It seems to me most would agree that while living in a dangerzone like Los Angeles we actually live this to the letter. Remember! Location is everything.

Somewhere, here & beyond, the background blares, The Offspring’s,"Ya gotta keep ‘em separated!"

I have probably around 10 buddies on my msn list for BF 1942 in ages anywhere between 20 and 50. This is quite astonishing since we associate gaming with kids. As on AOL, they are only adults and quite mature with a rational intellect. Basically, I have found 10 adults I can trust not to shoot me in the back as we roll out to kill the enemy. But, I have also noticed, as I roam the halls of virtual violence, the circuit is the same as in the real ones.

There are, as mentioned from above, the Team Killers, or TK'ers, punks you can’t turn your back on, much less trust them in combat. There are the Noobs, new guys we pick on and shoot to pieces without mercy till they wise up. There are the cheap asses who aren’t too bad but get their butts kicked until they break down and go get a REAL joystick..not a gamepad. The Hackers, there ONLY to fuck up somone's server(s). And then there are guys like me who live to kill…virtually, that is. :)

Ten others like me reside on my buddy list ranging from sadistic pacifist Swedes, (where I admin a server), Canada (a fellow I have known for 6 years but never met from my Allied General Days), and Hong Kong. The rest are Americans, a few college guys, and two from Texas…but I like them anyway. LOL

A virtual character I cannot forget is the Bot. Not actually a character, but a pre-programmed graphic with routine and predictable moves. Bots offer some (like me) more chaos and confusion, however they lack initiative and inspirational strategy. Some folks never use bots in their combat. They prefer "spilling only human blood". I like bots, with Noob flesh in the mix,...everything including the kitchen sink thrown at me. It’s always more satisfying when I win it that way.

Perhaps this is a personality profile. Perhaps not.

It was those during torturous, late morning hangovers returning, with somebody’s else's blood all over my clothes. Having that soaked through my trap doors never really went away, I suppose.…or even took a vacation. But I knew I had to hurry and change and make it for Mr. Bogner’s gastro-intelli-filled zoology class on how to categorize the fetal pig’s pecker. But that’s another nightmare, altogether.

PS For an excellent and well-choreographed Ultra-Violence, rent Gangster #1 with Malcolm McDowell (2k1). Outstanding POV of a hapless victim being hacked to peices..er. Remember it’s just a movie, folks.

CJ Davidson :)